


Re: Re: Re: About My Upcoming Defense

by Rosencrantz



Category: FAQ: The "Snake Fight" Portion Of Your Thesis Defense (McSweeney's Post) - Luke Burns
Genre: Academia, Emails, Epistolary, Gen, Snakes, a bit too close to reality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:55:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28042002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rosencrantz/pseuds/Rosencrantz
Summary: University websites really like to bury the useful information, like the FAQs that admit you will be fighting a snake in the arena of knowledge.Also: Snake + Thesis = Snesis
Relationships: original teacher & original student
Comments: 49
Kudos: 121
Collections: Yuletide 2020





	Re: Re: Re: About My Upcoming Defense

**Author's Note:**

  * For [FaintlyMacabre](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FaintlyMacabre/gifts).



In every master's candidate's life, a little strife must fall. Whether it's troublesome professors, annoying students, corrupted files, or something far beyond the realm of normal (though what does that mean, in academia?), they could tell stories that can make your toes curl. Such are the joys to be found in the halls of higher learning.

K Oakley--Kaye, if you want to be fancy about it--is one such master's candidate.

Read, if you will, a tale of their... defense.

* * *

To: hannaho@...edu  
From: oakleyk@...edu  
Subject: Edits and a quick question

Hello, Dr. Hannah,

I've just finished putting in some of the last edits you suggested and I thought I'd do a quick check - I know you told me not to psych myself out - of what's expected during the defense, and I just saw something about a snake fight?

Dr. Hannah, what does 'snake fight' mean in context? Is this some sort of academic slang?

Thank you for your time,  
K. Oakley

* * *

To: oakleyk@...edu  
From: hannaho@...edu  
Subject: re: Edits and a quick question

Hi, K,

Don't worry about the snake fight. Just focus on making your thesis as strong as possible.

Regards,  
OH

Olivia Hannah, Ph.D.  
Professor of Chemistry  
Fitzinger University

* * *

To: hannaho@...edu  
From: oakleyk@...edu  
Subject: re: re: Edits and a quick question

Dr. Hannah, please tell me if I have to fight a snake.

* * *

To: oakleyk@...edu  
From: hannaho@...edu  
Subject: re: re: re: Edits and a quick question

Hi, K,

As I told you, what you should be focusing on right now is strengthening your thesis. I've included notes on formatting your references, which I believe is in your best interest to tend to immediately.

Best,  
OH

Olivia Hannah, Ph.D.  
Professor of Chemistry  
Fitzinger University

* * *

To: hannaho@...edu  
From: oakleyk@...edu  
Subject: Here is my latest draft

Hello, Dr. Hannah,

I've worked in your newest edits and fixed the problems you found in my references. Thank you for catching those formatting errors in the middle. I don't know how those snuck in!

Do you think I'm ready to set a date for the defense?

Thank you,  
K. Oakley

* * *

To: oakleyk@...edu  
From: hannaho@...edu  
Subject: re: Here is my latest draft

Hi, K,

No, I don't believe you're ready quite yet. But your references are looking a lot better! I was worried because we're pretty low on antivenom right now. University cuts are hitting us in every department, unfortunately.

I think your paper could benefit from a tighter focus near the end. I've included a file with more concrete notes. 

Best,  
OH

Olivia Hannah, Ph.D.  
Professor of Chemistry  
Fitzinger University

attached: NotesKOakleyThesis.docx

* * *

To: hannaho@...edu  
From: oakleyk@...edu  
Subject: re: re: Here is my latest draft

Hello, Dr. Hannah,

antivenom???

Thank you for your notes, I have implemented them and sent the relevant updated parts.

-K

* * *

To: oakleyk@...edu  
From: hannaho@...edu  
Subject: re: re: re: Here is my latest draft

Hi, K!

Good work, it's really improved! Don't worry about the antivenom issue. Your references are looking great.

Best,  
OH

Olivia Hannah, Ph.D.  
Professor of Chemistry  
Fitzinger University

* * *

To: hannaho@...edu  
From: oakleyk@...edu  
Subject: I found a FAQ about the snake fight

Hello, Dr. Hannah,

To be clear, there isn't an actual snake involved at any point in this process, correct?

Wishing you a good long weekend,  
K. Oakley

* * *

To: hannaho@...edu  
From: oakleyk@...edu  
Subject: I found a FAQ about the snake fight

Hello, Dr. Hannah,

Per my last email, which I fear has been lost in the university's system, and the questions about my thesis defense we discussed in your office:

I found a faq, buried on the university website, detailing the apparently very true fact that I will indeed have to face a snake in combat during my thesis defense. I would have appreciated being notified about this sooner, given we set the date for my defense last week. I’m not sure I’m comfortable fighting a snake, in the interests of both its safety and my own. 

Could we have a meeting to discuss this? I'm free this Tuesday, all afternoon. _Please_ respond soon.

Have a great day,  
K. Oakley

* * *

To: oakleyk@...edu  
From: hannaho@...edu  
Subject: re: I found a FAQ about the snake fight

Hello, K,

I understand why you might feel taken aback by the idea of fighting and defeating a snake, but I promise you it's not as hard as it seems! I fought my own to get my Ph.D. years ago. I only lost the tip of my ring finger, and I'm sure you'll do nearly as well.

I've got a lot of confidence in you, how you've grown as a student since you first came here as an undergrad who wasn't sure what they wanted to do with their life. But you’ve blossomed in the chemistry department, you're a great master's candidate, and you have amazing reflexes. 

I didn't want you to worry overmuch about the snake fight, it’s really no big deal. Every master's and doctorate at this university has fought their own personal snake and emerged victorious! You needed to focus on your thesis because if you didn't, the snake you’d fight would be very large and very dangerous. That would be a situation we’d like to avoid at all costs, am I correct?

My biggest tip is to practice in front of those stuffed toys you've told me about before the big day, because a teddy bear has no judgement, and to absolutely make sure your last will and testament is finalized. 

I'm so proud of you, K! I look forward to addressing you as a master!

Also, I'm afraid I don't have time for a meeting this week.

But I'm cheering for you!

Best,  
OH

Olivia Hannah, Ph.D.  
Professor of Chemistry  
Fitzinger University

* * *

To: hannaho@...edu  
From: oakleyk@...edu  
Subject: re: re: I found a FAQ about the snake fight

Oh my god. Thanks, I guess.

* * *

To: oakleyk@...edu  
From: hannaho@...edu  
Subject: Congratulations!

Hi, K Oakley, master of science!

I knew you could do it! You've done the department of chemistry extremely proud today. 

I was pleased to see your hard work merited only a modest non-venomous constrictor! That's how you can tell you did a great job. The way you took it down was superb, and as creative as your approaches to our discipline.

And thank you for netting me a smooth three hundred in the department betting pool. I told you I had complete faith in you, your abilities, and your analytical results.

Best,  
OH

Olivia Hannah, Ph.D.  
Professor of Chemistry  
Fitzinger University

* * *

To: hannaho@...edu  
From: oakleyk@...edu  
Subject: re: Congratulations!

Hello, Dr. Hannah,

I appreciate your congratulations. 

The defense was a lot of ups and downs for me. I felt like I wasn't really meeting their expectations early on, and then I felt pretty elated when the rat snake came out instead of a cobra, then I felt pretty panicked when the rat snake flicked out a switchblade, but then elated AGAIN when I managed to defeat it with friendship and frozen mice, then stuff it in the duffle bag I brought with me. I really didn't think it would stay in there long enough for me to close the zipper!

I've named it Bibi, and it's really happy in the tank I got to house whatever snake I ended up fighting and rescuing, if I survived. I just didn't feel right about hurting a snake or leaving it to a more bloodthirsty defender. Right now I'm in a furious series of emails with the head of the herpetology department about whether I'm allowed to keep Bibi by rule of combat. I would appreciate it if you put in a good word in for me.

It was an honour having you as my thesis advisor. 

Please tell your next grad student about the snake fight. 

Best regards,  
K. Oakley, MS

attached: BibiInTheirTank.jpeg  
attached: BibisConfiscatedSwitchblade.jpeg

* * *

K has gone on to a career as a quantum chemist and it's a bit much to explain what that entails.

Dr. O. Hannah continues to mentor students and has only lost two as of this document. Please, be thorough and precise with your references.

Bibi continues to live in K's apartment in snake-luxury.

**Author's Note:**

> _Acknowledgements: Thank you to Vali for your beta and Ann for your follow up notes!_


End file.
